Canis Major
by yolohontas
Summary: Sirius Black is being driven insane by the emptiness of his parents' house. But what's driving him even crazier are sudden and mixed-up emotions towards Remus Lupin, his best friend of many years. T for language. Set in OOTP. WolfStar fluff. Reviews are very welcome :). Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: A Suffocating Place

All he seemed to do was _sigh, _nowadays. He supposed, as he lay alone in the large interior cage that was Grimmauld Place, there was no one to tell him not to. The Order hadn't been by in days, and it had been days since he had gotten out of bed, much less washed his hair. The floorboards creaked in harrowing agreement with his every move.

He had been hiding for two years now, and it was driving him mad.

At first, he felt it was simple. Every day was a routine:

Get up.

Enjoy a stale breakfast.

Maybe spend some time with Buckbeak.

Avoid Kreacher,

and _never _make enough noise to get his mother talking.

It wasn't like he wanted the pity surrounding him like dull clouds of dust with his every step. It was just, well… there was nothing left to occupy him.

Sometimes he'd go days without talking, and his mind was a cage for his body, which, incidentally, happened to stay sane only so that it could be locked up in what was, granted its size, an even more suffocating prison.

And sometimes the downtrodden muttering wouldn't stop, and he had never thought it was possible for all the 'why me's and the 'i hate this's and the 'wish someone would write to me's to make the already airless dwelling _even more _devoid of life. It was really as though the others and the Order and Harry and Remus were the only ones who could fill his lungs again. And these loved ones were friends he rarely got to stay in contact with, as the children were just that, fifteen-year-olds caught up in a game much bigger than themselves and placed under rule of a tyrant. Remus was God-knows-where, risking his life day after day after day bargaining with his 'kin'. It killed Sirius to know that there was always a chance that the same thing could happen to his best friend.

Emotion was amplified in the old house, with only Sirius's reckless judgement to console him.

God, he missed them so much. Every day, every _single day, _he would get out of bed and hope to the heavens that Harry and Ron and Hermione and the twins were trying their damndest to find joy in the kindling of the Ministry at Hogwarts, that Remus was safe and (because he sure as hell knew that Remus wasn't happy) at least trying. That at least Remus was better than he was.

He knew he wasn't a big man. He had known that from the beginning. He had just hoped he was strong.

A hooded figure whirled into view onto the doorstep of Number 12, and Sirius had barely enough time to think, _Shit, _before the brass doorknob twisted open.

"Hello?"

Remus's voice was instantly recognizable, and even in the short greeting called from down the stairs, every syllable was filled with worry.

Sirius's every nerve was aflame. He pulled his hair into a quick, messy ponytail, and tramped down the wooden stairs.

The movements of his old friend's jaws were muted by his dear mother.

"DISHONORING THE FAMILY, LETTING WEREWOLF FILTH SET FOOT INSIDE THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED-"

It took Sirius a moment to realize that the woman he was refraining only slightly from screaming himself hoarse at was only a painting. He closed his mouth, a bit abashed.

Remus silenced Mrs. Black with a lazy flick of his wand. He looked Sirius up and down. Sirius's cheeks burned… maybe he shouldn't have neglected his hygiene on the occasion that Remus would appear.

On the other hand, though, Remus Lupin wasn't looking as easy on the eyes as he once had. Though scarred as usual, Sirius couldn't help noticing the dirt that lined his skin, the new scars that lay scattered and angry, fire-white on Remus's body. He traced one lightly with his finger. "Remus…"

Remus sighed. "Let's sit. I'll explain later. It's been so long, Sirius, I kind of just want to catch up."

Sirius led his friend into the kitchen and took a seat on an old wooden chair next to the counter. It squealed in resistance as his weight dropped upon it. He exhaled slowly, blowing an unkempt strand of hair temporarily away from his face.

Remus's eyes were lit with worry. "Forgive me, old friend, but you look a bit worse for the wear. Are you all right? Has anything happened?"

Sirius managed a small smile towards the stricken face of his best friend. "I'm okay, really. Nothing's happened… I guess that's kind of the problem."

Remus cocked his head in slight confusion. Sirius stopped him before he could bring it up.

"Nevermind, forget about it." After the words were out of his mouth, he felt rather selfish for his solitary pity party while his best friend had been out risking his life again and again. "It's fine. I'm good. There's really nothing to talk about on my side of things. How about you? How has it been going with the werewolves?"

Sirius tried to cast the worry well away from his blue eyes, as he knew it would only irritate his friend. He'd been like this ever since he had met Remus- and the latter _hated _it, which he'd verbalized in a few arguments they'd been in ever since their Hogwarts days.

"I can hold up my end of a fight," Remus had said once. "It's kind of rude of you to act like I can't."

But those days had been older, golden but rusted, farther away than Sirius had ever known them to be. And yet the fierce, dog-like protectiveness of Remus Lupin had never gone.

Remus rolled his eyes. He'd always been able to see right through his best friend… and as Sirius noted himself a few times, he wasn't really the best hider.

"Oh, don't do that to me, Padfoot." Remus shoved Sirius playfully on the arm. "I'm just as okay as you claim to be." He winked. "And I'm sorry I haven't written to you. It would have just been-"

"Too dangerous," Sirius answered for him. Then he smiled. "I understand. Harry's been saying the same thing. It'd just be nice to be in the loop once in a while."

Remus locked his gaze onto Sirius's. It was alarming, how fiery the gray eyes were able to be when they connected with the wateriness of Sirius's.

Sirius blinked. Remus sighed again.

"You really hate this place, don't you."

Sirius put his head on the dirty table. "You've no fucking idea, Moony."

Remus straightened up in his seat, as if making reaching a decision.

"Would you like to get out?"


	2. Chapter 2: Sirius's Constellation

Sirius's heart bounded along with his furry legs as they stepped out into the night. It was with a sad sort of nostalgia that he realized he hadn't felt this alive since Prongs was alive. He had never really noticed how long fifteen years could seem to a man like him, a man whose only hope was to one day be able to run the same grimy sidewalk not as Padfoot, but as Sirius Black.

Remus's heart was pumping rather irregularly. _I shouldn't be doing this, _we _shouldn't be _

_doing this, _was a thought that was often accompanied by his tired heart missing a beat. But then he'd take one look at his best friend, watch Sirius sniff every flower and wag his tail with more happiness than he'd seen him in a long time, and the pumping of blood would slow. It was all going to be alright, the dog's watery blue eyes would tell him whenever they had the time to look up to Remus. _And stop worrying, you're not a prefect anymore. _

It was one of those heartbreaking chapters in life where you realize just how much you have lost from times before, and worse, how much you used to have. For where was that shiny prefect badge that Remus had taken so much care of in his time at school now? Hidden in a closet, shunned. He could not bring himself to look at it; just the sight of something so nostalgic filled him with emotions that weighed heavier than his transformations.

And as they ran together, wildly, robes and fur alike flying in the wind, they felt them.

Prongs's antlers out of the corner of their eyes. The _clip, clop _of hooves, faintly, faintly. A challenge to race.

Wormy's tail, slithering softly on the dirty sidewalk the bounded upon, a ratlike grin on his face as he struggled to keep up with the rest. _Wait up, friends! _

But the man and the dog would shake their heads, and their childhoods were once again a glimmer of their imagination, and they were forced to remember that James Potter was now no more than a statue and a gravestone, and that that was all they wished upon Peter Pettigrew.

They were alone, and yet they held tight onto the memories of each other, for now they knew that these were the ones that were still very much alive.

"Wait," panted Remus, growing tired. "Let's sit."

Sirius stopped abruptly, his eyes full of caution and his ears perked.

"Don't worry, Padfoot, it's not that." Remus sat down and scratched Padfoot behind the ears. "I just want to sit out here for a while with you. It's nice."

And so Sirius sat beside his old friend. It was true- though the chilly November breeze blew the long, dark fur on his back every direction, it was the kind of chill that you don't really mind, because the stars are out and the beauty of the outside world around you on a silent street is more breathtaking than the wind around you. In a way, the breeze contributes to the dark beauty of the block.

Sirius raised his paw at the sky. He had no memory of the stars ever being brighter than they were at this moment in time. Remus looked above. He nudged his friend.

"Do you see yours?"

Sirius shook his head. He'd never been able to, and no one had ever shown him how.

Remus locked eyes with the dog. "I can," he whispered.

Sirius looked up at Remus. _Show me, show me! _

And Remus smiled, the kind of smile that was worth more than the moon and the stars and the dazzling light of the sunrise all together. It was a smile he hadn't worn since Hogwarts.

"Well," he started, pretending to search the heavens, though he knew full well where the

star was. "Ah. I found it." He pointed to a white star that was clearly larger than all the rest. Sirius followed his gaze.

_Wow. _

"It's something, isn't it." Remus put his hand on Sirius's furry back. "But you know what's funny about it?"

Sirius shook his head no.

"You know it's huge. And it's really, really hot. It's also the brightest star in the universe. Sort of like you, huh?"

Sirius wagged his tail. _Go on. _

"But it's also part of something bigger. It contributes to a constellation by the name of Canis Major. When you add Sirius to about fifteen other stars, it creates a shape. A dog, actually, how weird is that?

"Sirius, I know how worthless you must be feeling right now. It's probably the worst feeling in the world. But I want you to know that you _are _the Canis Major constellation. You are a star that is bright, and warm, and huge, and you are caught up in something that is so much bigger than all of us. This impossibly large night sky.

"But you also have us. You have the Order. You have me, and you have Harry and Ron and Hermione and the twins and the whole Weasley family and Tonks and Kingsley and so many others, _so many, _Padfoot. We'll always help you make that shape of a dog, and we'll always be your comfort when it's cloudy. I promise."

Sirius put his head on the grey curb. His blue eyes were watering and he yearned more than he ever had, to be able to sit on this sidewalk as a person, and even more, he yearned for the right words to tell Remus just how much he meant to him.

But he couldn't. So he just settled for a wag of his tail and a look of his watery blue eyes. It wouldn't be enough for him. He just hoped it would be enough for Moony.


	3. Chapter 3: Dog-Tired

Ch. 3

Possibly the hardest thing he had done since arriving in his prison was making the three footstep journey from the top step of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place to the house's chilly interior. At least this time, he had Moony to hold the door open for him as he placed his feet shakily onto its cheap carpet floor. He couldn't remember hating this god damn place more.

But Remus, sensing the waves of unpleasantness rolling off of the doglike man in tides, shut the door behind him as lightly as possible, and led him into the sitting room with a frown on his face. Though the clicking of the door into the lock was as quiet as he could make it, there was still a sickening finality to the sharp noise. It seemed to echo throughout the house, as if it knew that it was the last noise it would make in a very long while, and was determined to make it last. Remus would never admit to Sirius how much he was hurting for him, how many times he had sat up late at night, listening to the traffic and the pattering of werewolf feet, repeating the same thoughts over and over again: _it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. _

"Thanks for all you said to me tonight." Sirius looked up at his best friend and attempted a small smile.

Remus shrugged. "It was all true, and you seemed like you needed a little inspiration."

"But you didn't have to be a pretentious prat."

Remus was taken aback by Sirius's words, and a small crease appeared between his eyes. Sirius sensed this, even in the dark.

"Remus, I'm only joking. You know I love that about you." Sirius's eyes twinkled as a genuine smile lit up his face. A chill ran down Remus's spine, one he was sure had nothing to do with the coolness of the old house.

He blew out some air. The chill had passed as suddenly as it came.

"So you never told me what's been going on with the werewolves, like you promised," Sirius prompted quietly. The truth was, he couldn't wait any longer to hear news of the dangers that his best friend had placed himself in, for it was danger that he, alone and feeling worthless as ever in his isolated sanctuary, was painfully aware of the consequences of.

"Oh, that." Remus attempted another small smile, this one even sharper than the last. "Padfoot, I already told you that you don't have to worry about me."

"I'm not worried," Sirus replied quickly. "Just curious… it's pretty lonely in this old house, day after day, with no one to talk to…"

"Stop with the pity act," Remus snapped, but he was smiling nonetheless. "It's just been hard being around these sick fuckers who give every single person with my affliction a bad name, and then having to pretend I share their disgusting views. But I think I've been doing a good job… I mean, no one's suspected me yet." The next smile he offered Sirius was rather dark.

In fact, everything about Remus Lupin looked forced and sinister in the dark moonlight of the dwelling. The smile lit up the angles of his face where the scars were forever etched into his skin, while his blue-green eyes seemed to dull in comparison.

'He was, he had always been, a marked man. He had just now began to realize what that meant.'

Sirius returned the dark smile with a timid grin, trying to push back the gnawing feelings of mingled pity and resentment that had stirred up within him in effect of his friend's words.

A part of his heart stirred for the aged man who sat beside him, locked underground with some of his worst enemies and pretending not to be ashamed of the likeness between them.

Yet still the other part was angered by the fact that at least Remus had achieved that much.

"Well, I'm gonna head off to bed," Sirius said, pretending to nod. "I'm dog-tired."


End file.
